Problems Saying No?

Do you ever find yourself saying “Yes” to something when what you really want to say is “No”?

Many of us do and for varied reasons.

It may mean to us that we are actually standing up for ourselves and that in itself may be a scary thought if we do not hold enough value and respect for who we are and are not used to voicing our own opinion.

Saying no may mean that we have to let go of something. Often this is something that we may have relied on in the past but that is no longer serving us. A bit like a child giving up their security blanket.

By saying no we may feel that we are disappointing someone and if we have within ourselves a need to be wanted, accepted, etc, this will cause the uncomfortable feeling resulting in a “Yes”, when really we want to say “No”.

Whatever the reason behind not being able to say “No”, you can be assured that it is always fear based.

Our ability, or inability, to say “No”, has a direct connection to how we operate in the world and how others treat us. By having a strong ability to say “No” we protect ourselves and project to others around us clear boundaries of what is and isn’t acceptable. An inability to say “No” leaves us open to hurt and abuse and sends out confused messages to those we are connected to.

So how do we make saying “No” easier?

Often, we shy away from saying “No” because of the emotional charge connected to the result we might receive by doing so. Think about what you would “really” like to say. This will probably be packed with emotion, possibly even anger. Often, the emotions brought up will relate to something from your past. Deconstruct this message and you will find that the emotions behind it will soften and you will be able to get to the core of the issue, process the emotions fuelling the thoughts and identify the boundary or boundaries you need to put in place. Using this process will enable you to communicate your message more clearly and in a manner that is not emotionally charged.

The ability to say “No” can be quite freeing. When you learn to say no effectively you gain the ability to detach from the emotional charges and stand in your own power to make decisions that are right for you from a place of calm.

Being able to say no can also be empowering to the person you are communicating with. Maybe they don’t really need your help, or are in a situation that they are avoiding facing, and by saying “No” to them they are forced to do it alone and will feel good about themselves for doing so.

Like any old habit, it takes time and practice to change. The first step is awareness of what lies behind your inability to say “No”. Once you have that, it’s just practice. Start with the little things. As you get more confident (and this will happen quickly), move up to the bigger issues. Pretty soon you will find that you will be answering an honest “Yes” or “No” to requests made of you and a whole new world of opportunities will be placed in front of you along with a deeper respect shown towards you from both yourself and those around you.